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Track: Perception Check
Artist: Tom Cardy
Album: The Dancefloor At The End Of The Universe

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Name: Tom Cardy
Followers: 334,567
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Biography

Tom Cardy (born 12 June 1994) is an Australian comedian, musician, songwriter, and actor. He became known in Australia for his "Song Sequels" segments on the radio station Triple J in 2020, and achieved more international recognition when he began posting comedy songs and videos on TikTok and YouTube. He has composed music for the comedy series The Feed and The Moth Effect, as well as the animated web series Helluva Boss. His debut EP, Artificial Intelligence (2021), peaked at No. 40 on the ARIA Albums Chart. He was shortlisted for the AACTA Award for Favourite Digital Content Creator and the Craft Award for Writing at the Streamy Awards.

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Release: Tom Cardy - The Dancefloor At The End Of The Universe
Year: 2024
Genres: Electronic, Funk / Soul, Pop
Styles: Dance-pop, Synth-pop, Comedy, Funk

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LYRICS

On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. What do you do?
My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and- that's a one
Critical fail. Steve, what do you do?
Well, I believe in anticipation, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree- okay, I rolled a one
That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do?
Active Perception Check
...That's a natural 20
Let's fucking go

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
These muthafuckas mean to harm us
And they got to go
So come on, get 'em now!
You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my
Tight crew
There's no escaping it
I can perceive you
Here's what we're gonna do
Me and ma boys gonna mess you up

I rolled a one
I rolled a one

Fuck
My boys are otherwise engaged
So I'm gonna bring it all myself

Hey, I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit. So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-
I cast Vicious Mockery, nat 20, let's go

You're a short muthafucka
And nobody likes you
SHORT!
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
When you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head
But then the doctor said
"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny short ass baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it"

Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception check, please
Nat 20, let's go!
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD
It's always a kid
Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better. His body's just lying there, right? Right?
Yes...? Don't-

Loot that body
Gotta loot that body now
Loot that body!
Gotta loot that muthafucka!
Play my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
Bitch